Monday, November 8, 2010

Long Start to a New Day

I believed that I was going to wait until the little was here. The little one has not made an appearance yet.

We are waiting. My sweetie is in a lot of pain. There is not a lot I can do. I knew that I would have a sense of uselessness but this is a lot. I sit and watch my sweetie breath through pain that I never want to go through. I want to make her comfortable and take away the pain. I want her experience everything but not too much.

This is tough to watch. I will watch. I will be here for my sweetie and my little one.

More to come.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Still Waiting....

Any day now, our little one will be grace our existence. I am very excited. We have about 6 days before the actual due date.

As I have been learning about this whole experience, it has come to my attention a few myths that I thought were true.

1. Only about 15% of women experience their water breaking. WHAAATT!? I thought "water breaking" happened with every pregnancy. The movies and television were all wrong. If not wrong, they did not give the whole story. In my mind, when the water breaking it is time for the baby. Well, according to our doctor, water breaking is not necessary to start the process. It will either break on its own or be broken by the doctor.

2. Labor is a long long process, most of the time. I went to a baby class and saw a video giving the step of labor. Steps? What do you mean steps? There is don't push, don't push, and then push. Actually, the stages of labor vary between person to person. After that class, I am pretty clear on the delivery part (maybe expect of the head poking out). I am much more nervous about the labor part. I really don't want my Sweetie to be uncomfortable but I know it is for a good outcome.

3. Cravings. Late night trips to the grocery store, gas station, or other such late night place of business. Non-existent. I guess I should be grateful. However, I was looking forward to it, sort of.

4. Due dates are more of a guideline as opposed to a fact. I knew that but really didn't realize the span of timebefore and after the due date.

5. Lastly, I wasn't expecting to be this anxious about meeting this little person. I knew that I would be excited. I am ready. Mentally, I am ready for this to happen. Bring on the lack of sleep, diaper changes, crying, etc. Everyone keeps saying that, "Wait until the baby is here, you are going to be so tired you won't be so happy then." Well, you know what. I have no idea how other people were with their babies and I have no idea how I will be with our baby. However, I am planning on being ready. Please let me enjoy it and the experience of it. Physically, well, my back hurts, my knees tend to hurt, I am getting over a slight cold, and I tend to sleep pretty soundly. What can you do? Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game. After the baby is here, I will do what I need to do.

The next words I write will most likely include one or more of the following:

Boy
Girl
Happy
Excited
Healthy Sweetie
Healthy Baby
Tired
What is the black stuff? (Something I learned about baby's first poop.)
Of course, the little one will have a name.

Peace

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Back in the Saddle and Ready for the Ride

It seems that I start every post with, "I haven't posted anything in a long time."

Actually, it is really silly since I only have about 5 post or so.

so, let's catch up really quickly. I got married and my wife and I are have a little one. There you go.

I am going to be home a little more once this little guy/girl (We don't know which) makes their presence known in the outside world. My plan is to document my transition from wannabee daddy to DADDY.

My initial thoughts:
Very Little Sleep - Bring it on!
Poopy Diapers - Everybody poops.
Crying, Crying, Crying - My cat moans in the middle of the night.

I can't say that I know exactly how things are going to be. Actually, I am glad I don't know exactly. I have bar-tended for about 9 years. I have worked at a camp for 12 years. I have directed a camp for 5 years. I know about bar-tending and camp. I also know that at a bar and at camp thing always change. Well, my excitement over having a new challenge in my life is huge. I am looking forward to every yawn, smell, and cry. Why? We have wanted this for a very long time. We are just about there. I am going to live it up. I love my wife very very much. She is doing something amazing right now. That amazing feat will enrich my life even more.

It will be an experience.

Peace.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Doin' Stuff

It has been awhile since I posted something. I keep wanting to keep up with the post but things like XBOX 360, ropes course trainings, etc, etc.

As I sit here next to my sweetie, Finnigan, and watching football, I realize that I have lots going on in my head.

I think I would like to write a children's book. The book would be about a turtle, my favorite animal, that tries to accomplish a goal when everything seems to be against him.

I am thinking about a change in jobs. Maybe something not in my field would be pretty good for awhile.

I really want to be a father. Things are not happen the way I would have hoped but I am not ready to give up.

I am planning on going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving although I am a little nervous about it.

There is a lot I have to get done around the house and I don't know if it will get done.

I possibly have a new boss that either he does not know about or I am not suppose to know about.

That's about it.

I am hoping for a great week, or at least a decent week. Some time off would be good.

Peace.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Reposting of Previous Post

I took down a post that talked about my excitement of being a father. Since we loss that child, I took down the post. My sweetie asked me to re-post it because it is about our journey.

Here it is.

Winds of Change by Doug
It has been awhile since I have updated my blog. I wanted to write that a lot has happened since I last wrote. In fact, very little has happen but that little is really big.
I found out that I am going to be a father. The feelings I had at the time were strange. I thought that I was suppose to jump up and down screaming, "Way to go boys! You did it!" I was so many things all at once it is hard to describe.
Being a father is something I always wanted and knew I would become some day. I never knew the date, time, year, century. Apparently, it start March 29, 2009. Who would have guessed that we would have a black president, camp would close its doors, and I would be a father. Two positives are pretty good.
Here is the deal: It scares me silly to think that I am going to be a father. My own father is nothing to really write about in this blog at this point. Let's just say that I appreciate his involvment in bringing me into this world. My one and only goal is to be the best possible father to this child. "Sprout" is in for a wild and crazy ride. I am sure that any man out there that has ever thought about be a father will want to be the best father. In reality, I want our child to look at me and say, "You done good Dad." Wow. "Dad." It is weird to write.
Big Daddy Doug.
Papa D.
The thought of someone looking at me like my Sweetie does makes my leg weak. There are a lot of changes coming down the road. There are things I need to change about myself, not because of the new addition to the family. I don't want to hang my decisions on that. It does influence my changes but it is not the reason. The reason is that it has be a long time coming.

Oh. The personal statement is just about finished and I want to send it off soon along with the rest of the application. I am leaning toward maybe a spring start. We will see. Thank you for reading and helping with the editing.

Peace and Love to my Sweetie and Sprout

Of Loss and Determination

It has been awhile since I posted anything. Since my last post much has happened. Here it goes.

Unfortunately, we lost our "sprout." We have tried for over a year. I understand others have tried for a long time. Much longer than one year. I was really excited about having a child. I am still excited about having a child.

I feel like should write down my feelings on losing a child.

It was hard. Not the kind of hard that is struggling to complete something or working to achieve a goal. It was a true sense of loss. The image of having something living in a person that will someday walk and talk was both amazing and frightening at the same time. I saw the little heart beating. I wanted to see more. I wanted to watch my sweetie's stomach grow. I wanted to be a father.

The day we found out was horrible. I felt saddened for my sweetie. Actually, saddened is too soft of a word. The actual emotion can not be written or really expressed. We wanted this so much. I told almost everyone I knew. You are not supposed to tell people until after the first trimester but it was exciting. My first child. I wanted to shared and express my excitement.

After about a week or so, I had to move move on. Focus on the future. Try again. Of course, the "what ifs" popped up. What if this happens again? What if this is not meant to happen? What if we are too late? The answer came to me quickly and without hesitation, "TRY AGAIN!"

It has been about 3 weeks since we found out about our loss. I will miss Sprout. I will always remember the heart beat. I will always remember the look on my sweetie's face when we found out. We will be there again.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Stepping into the Unknown

I have decided to attempt a return to school I am applying to Antioch Grad School. I have not decided on MEd with Elementary Certification or MS in Organization and Management. One direction has more clear cut career opportunities and the other hopes a little more interest.

Anyway, I have to write a personal statement. I have decided to put that statement on my blog for those to read. If you do read it, I welcome you comments. You could even tell me that it is the worst you have ever read. I like honesty. Besides, I am not planning on being a writer.

This is somewhat long.

The question is:
What have been your most significant learning experiences? Please provide some examples.
What is your learning style, and how do you go about solving problems?
Why are you considering coming to Antioch University New England at this time in your life? What do you hope to get from the experience professionally and personally? What do you have to contribute to Antioch New England and your field?
Personal Statement
As a 37 year old African American living in New Hampshire and working at a summer camp, I am often asked and I wonder, “How did I get here?” Originally from St. Louis, Missouri, I wandered willingly into a landscape that was somewhat foreign to me. I soon realized that many different experiences in my life have led me down this road. I wanted to work directly with children. I wanted to illustrate that everything we do is based on choice. I wanted to hear other peoples’ stories. As a younger man, the military was calling my name. It was the unwritten and unspoken assumption in my family. I then made a choice. I took a road never travelled by my family.
Prior to my sophomore year in high school, I signed up for an environmental leadership program called ECO-ACT. The program, funded by the Desegregation Program of St. Louis, brought together high school students from city schools, predominately black, and county schools, predominately white. We participated in a 3 week summer training and school year of teaching 3rd-5th graders ecology lessons.
During the summer training, we went on a 4 day – 3 night canoe trip on the Meramec River. This was my first camping trip. I was expecting many first experiences on this trip, such as sleeping in a tent, cooking on camp stoves, and living out of a plastic bag. The life changing moment happened on my first time going to the bathroom in the woods. It was an experience that I will never forget. Without too many details, I was prepared to walk into the unknown after getting appropriate directions and supplies.
I walk the required 100 feet into the woods away from the river and then I get down to business. As I am completing the process, I look up and realize that I am not alone. A deer is standing about 20 feet away from me. I get confused on the details, as far as male or female, antlers or no antlers. Our eyes meet and I freeze. It seems like an eternity but for probably 3 seconds we stare at each other. I have never been this close to a deer ever. I am amazed, captivated, and mesmerized. There I am in the woods, with my pants down, staring at a deer about twenty feet from me. Pretty soon, embarrassment sets in. I pull my pants up quickly and the deer becomes startled and runs off into the woods. Afterwards, I saw the woods, the river, and the environment in a whole new light. It was an amazing place full of wonder, surprises, and sometimes embarrassing moments.
After graduating from college, I became the Instructor for the ECO-ACT Program. During that time, I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. Graves Disease is basically a hyperactive thyroid. Prior to this diagnosis, my relationship with my father was pretty nonexistent. After finding out about Graves Disease, I told my mother who then called my father’s mother. My mother got in touch with my father because, as it turns out, he also had Graves Disease. While all of this is going on, I was a part of a theater group. About a week before our first show, I was doing laundry at my grandparents’ house when my father walks down the stairs. We exchanged greetings and then he got to the point of his unexpected visit. He said, “I didn’t cause this to happen to you.” I was a little shocked by that statement. Graves Disease is hereditary but I told him that I didn’t blame him for disease. He went on to say that he would like to get together soon to catch up. I thought about this request for a minute and said that it would be fine to do so. However, I knew I would not be the one making plans. If he wanted to meet with me, he had to make the first move. As a child, my father would make plans to be with me and I would get all excited but he never showed up. He stated that he wanted to be around more. So, I told him about the play I was in. He said that he would come. I was excited against my better judgment at the possibility of my father coming back into my life. He missed the first weekend because he got lost and could not find the theater. He never showed up for the second weekend and I never heard from him again. What did I learn? I need to express my concerns and make the best possible choices for myself. I felt like he made his choice and so have I.
For 6 years as ECO-ACT Instructor, I learned interview skills, group management, teaching techniques, and program development. In January of 1999, I felt that it was time for a change. I decided to head east. New Hampshire was not my first choice but it wasn’t my last choice either. I wanted to work more directly with children so I became a summer camp counselor. This move would cause a big change in lifestyle, a huge pay cut, no health benefits, and an introduction to community living. After about 1 ½ weeks of training, I was put into a cabin with 8 boys. I was nervous, excited, and confident in my abilities. About three days into being a camp counselor with campers, I had a very insightful conversation with my boys. They asked me, “What is it like to be black?” Here I am the only black person at a summer camp in a room with 8 young white boys. To answer to this question was important to me. Unfortunately, I cannot remember exactly what I said although I do remember the conversation sparked by the question. We talked about discrimination – discrimination skateboarders in stores and someone may not be able to something because of their age. We proceed to talk about life at camp and future goals. It was amazing. They had a question. They asked the question. I hope they took something away from the conversation because I sure did.
These experiences were only the spark to future realizations in my life. I learned to look at knowledge through my own eyes. My learning style began to develop as a seeker of information that I was interested in, that I wanted, and that I could use. I wanted to learn something new, of which there is a lot. I wanted to be a part of the process of my learning. I wanted to know that I had a choice in my learning. In college, I took a whole class on Paradise Lost by John Milton. This epic poem contained so much obvious and hidden information that I was simply fascinated. The information gathered during class floored me just about every time we met. The multiple ways that people looked at a single passage and got different information was great, and sometimes frustrating.
As a Camp Director, I deal with problems on a daily basis. Many problems can have simple answers. “Yes, you have to hangout out with the campers.” “Drink some water if you have a headache.” For bigger problems, I happen to enjoy meeting with those involved, talking to my peers, and getting advice from my supervisor. It is important to have as much information possible to make the best decision you can especially if it will affect other people. Everyone should be on the same page or at least know the page number. Of course, there are times you just need to make the call with the information you have at the time.
I am considering Antioch University New England now because I feel that I am ready. I enjoy hearing different viewpoints and trying new concepts. Also, I found out that my place of employment is closing. The closing of my place of employment allows me the time and energy to change careers and learn something new. I am hoping to gain a degree and certification in a field that will allow me to do what I have wanted to do, work with children. This program will satisfy my personal and professional goals by allowing me to not be confined by four walls and a ceiling. It will allow me to share my knowledge, expand my viewpoints, and experience new thoughts. In the end, it will give me a choice.
I believe that I could provide Antioch and my field with a desire to keep learning and seeking out new ways of doing things. In college, I studied post-modernism. One idea of post-modernism is that there is nothing new only different versions of the old to make look new. I can accept that as long as we, as humans, continue to create and try something. Antioch would have a new voice in class bringing up different viewpoints and asking questions. Antioch and my field would have someone that is willing to try some new ideas or thoughts. I believe that Antioch has a unique delivery of knowledge that fits my current learning process.