I took down a post that talked about my excitement of being a father. Since we loss that child, I took down the post. My sweetie asked me to re-post it because it is about our journey.
Here it is.
Winds of Change by Doug
It has been awhile since I have updated my blog. I wanted to write that a lot has happened since I last wrote. In fact, very little has happen but that little is really big.
I found out that I am going to be a father. The feelings I had at the time were strange. I thought that I was suppose to jump up and down screaming, "Way to go boys! You did it!" I was so many things all at once it is hard to describe.
Being a father is something I always wanted and knew I would become some day. I never knew the date, time, year, century. Apparently, it start March 29, 2009. Who would have guessed that we would have a black president, camp would close its doors, and I would be a father. Two positives are pretty good.
Here is the deal: It scares me silly to think that I am going to be a father. My own father is nothing to really write about in this blog at this point. Let's just say that I appreciate his involvment in bringing me into this world. My one and only goal is to be the best possible father to this child. "Sprout" is in for a wild and crazy ride. I am sure that any man out there that has ever thought about be a father will want to be the best father. In reality, I want our child to look at me and say, "You done good Dad." Wow. "Dad." It is weird to write.
Big Daddy Doug.
Papa D.
The thought of someone looking at me like my Sweetie does makes my leg weak. There are a lot of changes coming down the road. There are things I need to change about myself, not because of the new addition to the family. I don't want to hang my decisions on that. It does influence my changes but it is not the reason. The reason is that it has be a long time coming.
Oh. The personal statement is just about finished and I want to send it off soon along with the rest of the application. I am leaning toward maybe a spring start. We will see. Thank you for reading and helping with the editing.
Peace and Love to my Sweetie and Sprout
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Of Loss and Determination
It has been awhile since I posted anything. Since my last post much has happened. Here it goes.
Unfortunately, we lost our "sprout." We have tried for over a year. I understand others have tried for a long time. Much longer than one year. I was really excited about having a child. I am still excited about having a child.
I feel like should write down my feelings on losing a child.
It was hard. Not the kind of hard that is struggling to complete something or working to achieve a goal. It was a true sense of loss. The image of having something living in a person that will someday walk and talk was both amazing and frightening at the same time. I saw the little heart beating. I wanted to see more. I wanted to watch my sweetie's stomach grow. I wanted to be a father.
The day we found out was horrible. I felt saddened for my sweetie. Actually, saddened is too soft of a word. The actual emotion can not be written or really expressed. We wanted this so much. I told almost everyone I knew. You are not supposed to tell people until after the first trimester but it was exciting. My first child. I wanted to shared and express my excitement.
After about a week or so, I had to move move on. Focus on the future. Try again. Of course, the "what ifs" popped up. What if this happens again? What if this is not meant to happen? What if we are too late? The answer came to me quickly and without hesitation, "TRY AGAIN!"
It has been about 3 weeks since we found out about our loss. I will miss Sprout. I will always remember the heart beat. I will always remember the look on my sweetie's face when we found out. We will be there again.
Unfortunately, we lost our "sprout." We have tried for over a year. I understand others have tried for a long time. Much longer than one year. I was really excited about having a child. I am still excited about having a child.
I feel like should write down my feelings on losing a child.
It was hard. Not the kind of hard that is struggling to complete something or working to achieve a goal. It was a true sense of loss. The image of having something living in a person that will someday walk and talk was both amazing and frightening at the same time. I saw the little heart beating. I wanted to see more. I wanted to watch my sweetie's stomach grow. I wanted to be a father.
The day we found out was horrible. I felt saddened for my sweetie. Actually, saddened is too soft of a word. The actual emotion can not be written or really expressed. We wanted this so much. I told almost everyone I knew. You are not supposed to tell people until after the first trimester but it was exciting. My first child. I wanted to shared and express my excitement.
After about a week or so, I had to move move on. Focus on the future. Try again. Of course, the "what ifs" popped up. What if this happens again? What if this is not meant to happen? What if we are too late? The answer came to me quickly and without hesitation, "TRY AGAIN!"
It has been about 3 weeks since we found out about our loss. I will miss Sprout. I will always remember the heart beat. I will always remember the look on my sweetie's face when we found out. We will be there again.
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