Of Loss and Determination

It has been awhile since I posted anything. Since my last post much has happened. Here it goes.

Unfortunately, we lost our "sprout." We have tried for over a year. I understand others have tried for a long time. Much longer than one year. I was really excited about having a child. I am still excited about having a child.

I feel like should write down my feelings on losing a child.

It was hard. Not the kind of hard that is struggling to complete something or working to achieve a goal. It was a true sense of loss. The image of having something living in a person that will someday walk and talk was both amazing and frightening at the same time. I saw the little heart beating. I wanted to see more. I wanted to watch my sweetie's stomach grow. I wanted to be a father.

The day we found out was horrible. I felt saddened for my sweetie. Actually, saddened is too soft of a word. The actual emotion can not be written or really expressed. We wanted this so much. I told almost everyone I knew. You are not supposed to tell people until after the first trimester but it was exciting. My first child. I wanted to shared and express my excitement.

After about a week or so, I had to move move on. Focus on the future. Try again. Of course, the "what ifs" popped up. What if this happens again? What if this is not meant to happen? What if we are too late? The answer came to me quickly and without hesitation, "TRY AGAIN!"

It has been about 3 weeks since we found out about our loss. I will miss Sprout. I will always remember the heart beat. I will always remember the look on my sweetie's face when we found out. We will be there again.